Where did the days go

Where did the days go that now my eldest son has children of his own? Here is a pic of my little princess.

What happened

Squashed was what I felt happened to my opinions and ideas. If they did not line up with my husband's opinions, then my opinion was dismissed (his opinion was bible because "he was the head of our house".) You know, I believed at that time, it was right to follow his lead as the head of our family during those years. But I felt like a second class citizen.

After many years of complying for peace in our large family. I started balking and decided that my opinion does matter. I will not let him dominate me. I struggled with who I was, and as a couple we struggled. We went for counseling, I thought "we" were going to end. He didn't like the changes in me, and had a hard time accepting my changes. When my husband finally realized that I was not going back to the way it was he finally accepted me.

What a shame he does not hear me and my opinions. I feel he accepts me like if I was the whore and he the prophet who accepted his wife as a symbol for Isreal. Our marriage still struggles and I still feel isolated. It took many years to get to where we were, it may take many more to get to where we are "we" again. I wonder if it will ever be so and yet I wait.

The funny thing is I have never strayed from our marriage. I was the submissive obedient wife, homemaker. We raised our 5 children to love God and each other, homeschooling to install values and morals. They are intelligent individuals. It was hard work but well worth it. If I knew it was going to be this way I wonder if I would have walked the same road.

just talking

I spent the day with my daughter yesterday until her trip back to Florida for her internship. A young confident woman has replaced the little girl that I once knew. It was nice to spend one of my vacation days with her.

I sometimes wish I could move to Florida, but yet I am still committed to raising our last 2 sons at home. We agreed 14 years ago to homeschool our children, a decision I am not sorry we made, but amazed at the sacrifice that I had no idea I was about to make. Only a couple more years left. Perhaps then... and yet I love my home in my home town.

Amazing what 25 years of marriage and raising 5 children can do (25th anniversary is Mar. 21st). It was not easy and not always pleasant. I am a different person now and refuse to stifle my opinions and wants, for peace in my family. My husband was shocked to find out that I don't agree with him as I once did and all hell broke loose when I finally decided to be me. More on that later.

starting somewheres

Here is a pic of me in 12/04 and time goes by...
It seems that I need to start somewheres...

During the holidays even with family all around lonliness is still the core. I have poured my heart and soul into my large family and they still don't know me. I had few friends.

This year I am learning to love myself. My resolution is to remember who I am and never forget (the reason for this blog), also to reach out to others and make new friends.

Go on with life, I am an individual. I refuse to deny my needs. I will not be put last anymore.

The Fragile Equilibrium

Years of contradictories
Hidden deep within my thoughts
Emerging and disrupting,
The equilibrium of life.

A quandary it is
Inducing reflections to articulations
Disrupting the fragile equilibrium,
Of years of sensitivites.

Sensitivities so deeply buried
It's difficult to say
Without eruptions exploding,
From deep within my soul.