Teenage Boys, ugh

What is it with teenage boys and their laundry? They will wait until there is nothing else to wear then do their laundry. Wash and dry their clothes and drop it in a pile in their room where it mingles with other dirty clothes on the floor.

Today my 15 year old son was in a hurry to leave and wanted to put on his clothes that was in the dryer. Normally this wouldn't be a problem but his clothes were still wet. I told him that I could wash his face with his wet shirt that he wanted to were. What a fuss.

He went downstairs to his room to find another shirt and brings up this shirt that is so wrinkled up that it looked like that it came from his dirty hamper. His idea of ironing is is throwing it in the dryer for 5 minutes. Ugh.

Well he set me off! Off I go onto my soapbox. There is absolutely no excuss for the condition of his clothes. No excuss for not having something prepared for this evening. He knows all week long that on Friday evenings he plays for the church music group and he needs to be ready. He is homeschooled and there is plenty of time that he could do his laundry between his classes if he doesn't want to use his free time.

Now, on a good note, my oldest son had his 3rd child yesterday. Another beautiful baby girl. Tomorrow will be my day to meet her. God bless you little baby, love your gramma!

thank you, but...

With positive words of encouragement I have tried to reach out to my husband as an example of good communication. He had done some work over the weekend at home and I told him by a text message that he did a great job. That evening when I went upstairs to my room he responded with a "thank you, but..."

2 times I tried to redirect the conversation to the positive side, yet he continued with the "but..." Going back to the past and dragging up what he doesn't like about the changes about me. The 3rd time I turned the lights off and left him standing with the "but" hanging in the air. I hope he catches on. I will not allow him or anyone to tear me down. That is what those "buts" are to me.

"Fibro-fog"

Fibromyalgia is an autoimmune syndrone. Very frustrating, I have not written about it yet because I do not want it to define me. Besides the pains, fatigue, and depression which I fight daily with; it is becoming apparent that I am now having memory lapses. This past year as I look back I see that I am forgetting appointments that I have set for my children's dental and braces, I forget my own appointments, even to go to church on Saturday afternoon slips my mind until it is too late.

I keep 2 calenders, one on my computer at home, one on my computer at work, and I print out all the appointments on a checklist for the fridge to help remind me and the "kids". I think if I set a daily check list in a handheld notebook and carry it with me it will help. Perhaps I should hang it around my neck on a gold chain.

This picture is of my favorite place in CT, Hammonassett Beach. It was taken a couple years ago. I really want to spend some quiet time there. Perhaps soon...

I have decided to finish my education part time. I found out that I was only 5 courses shy of my Associates Degree. So I took a Sociology Class online. It was very interesting and challanging, I passed with a B-.

There is so much more that I can learn. This week I will look into what other courses that I can apply to my degree. Hopefully I can find one online because it is easier to fit in my schedule.

Tree buds and forsythias

Here in the northeast we wait as tree buds swell with spring pride. The crisp ground begins it's blush of green with hints of blues, reds & yellows.

The earth warms causing forsythias to explode in glory. Spring is here with the hint of gentler days to come, stretching out like a lazy cat in the sun.

Spring forth!

Last month the ground was hard and barren, today a hyacinth and a daffodil is in bloom. March is almost over and April is just around the corner. Spring is here and time to prepare the flower garden for a new growing season.

Life is like a flower garden. Some years it goes untended and overgrown. Vines and weeds grow abundant. But spring arrives like it always does. Now is the time to disturb the soil, pull the vines and weed the weeds.

Otherwise the flowers in our lives will be overcomed, our joys squashed. Take the time to tend to your garden.

Family time and conflicts

Taking care of everyone and making everyone happy is impossible but taking care of yourself is necessary.

Even though going to visit family in florida made some in my family happy, going made others angry. "How could you not go to your own granddaughter's christening?" Instead I went to see my daughter at her intern location and participated in my nephew's baptism in sunny Florida.

I need to do things for me ( in the sunshine). And sometimes I will disappoint, get over it.

Winds of Change

Life expectancies has increased in my lifetime with healthier lifestyles for all. I can expect to work at least 20+ more years. After spending the first 20+ years maturing into an adult. The second 20+ years of my life raising 5 children; doing the homemaker/homeschooler thing; our 5 children are finally reaching our goals of being intelligent adults who will make a difference in our world. It is time to think and re-plan.

Time to sink my roots deeply into the soil and draw in the nutrients I need for our future. I have been torn between my family's needs and my needs. In reality my needs are also my family's needs. My family also needs me to be a healthy individual.

My branches moan, all my family have ever seen me do in the past is pour out my heart and soul into their growth and the growth of our family at the expense of my emotional and physical health. I was bent and sagging as the Weeping Willow.

I wish to stand tall as the Oak with arms outstretched. So I pull up my branches and shake them in the winds of change. Stretching out my branches and digging in my roots. We all cry out in shock. Doing so upsets the soil and bumps my branches.

I feel good. The warmth of the air surrounding me is good. Yet the past tears at me, pulling me, trying to bend me back. See me as who I am. God does not make junk, I am good.

Valentine's Day Undone

Valentine’s Day last year a disaster,
Skewered by his words, I died.
Then threatened,
"It’s your fault,
You cut off my spiritual balls!"

"It’s your fault," he claims,
The marriage falters,
Alone I do not bow down.
The words of death he delivers,
"You cut off my spiritual balls."

Now Valentine’s Day approaches,
What shall I do this time?
Pretend that all is well?
I didn’t cut off his spiritual balls.

The words of death he delivered,
That pushed me way too far.
Will never again control me,
I’m a shooting star.

Shooting up to heaven,
Released from his control.
A new star arising,
With possibilities untold.

(written 2004)

Where did the days go

Where did the days go that now my eldest son has children of his own? Here is a pic of my little princess.

What happened

Squashed was what I felt happened to my opinions and ideas. If they did not line up with my husband's opinions, then my opinion was dismissed (his opinion was bible because "he was the head of our house".) You know, I believed at that time, it was right to follow his lead as the head of our family during those years. But I felt like a second class citizen.

After many years of complying for peace in our large family. I started balking and decided that my opinion does matter. I will not let him dominate me. I struggled with who I was, and as a couple we struggled. We went for counseling, I thought "we" were going to end. He didn't like the changes in me, and had a hard time accepting my changes. When my husband finally realized that I was not going back to the way it was he finally accepted me.

What a shame he does not hear me and my opinions. I feel he accepts me like if I was the whore and he the prophet who accepted his wife as a symbol for Isreal. Our marriage still struggles and I still feel isolated. It took many years to get to where we were, it may take many more to get to where we are "we" again. I wonder if it will ever be so and yet I wait.

The funny thing is I have never strayed from our marriage. I was the submissive obedient wife, homemaker. We raised our 5 children to love God and each other, homeschooling to install values and morals. They are intelligent individuals. It was hard work but well worth it. If I knew it was going to be this way I wonder if I would have walked the same road.

just talking

I spent the day with my daughter yesterday until her trip back to Florida for her internship. A young confident woman has replaced the little girl that I once knew. It was nice to spend one of my vacation days with her.

I sometimes wish I could move to Florida, but yet I am still committed to raising our last 2 sons at home. We agreed 14 years ago to homeschool our children, a decision I am not sorry we made, but amazed at the sacrifice that I had no idea I was about to make. Only a couple more years left. Perhaps then... and yet I love my home in my home town.

Amazing what 25 years of marriage and raising 5 children can do (25th anniversary is Mar. 21st). It was not easy and not always pleasant. I am a different person now and refuse to stifle my opinions and wants, for peace in my family. My husband was shocked to find out that I don't agree with him as I once did and all hell broke loose when I finally decided to be me. More on that later.

starting somewheres

Here is a pic of me in 12/04 and time goes by...
It seems that I need to start somewheres...

During the holidays even with family all around lonliness is still the core. I have poured my heart and soul into my large family and they still don't know me. I had few friends.

This year I am learning to love myself. My resolution is to remember who I am and never forget (the reason for this blog), also to reach out to others and make new friends.

Go on with life, I am an individual. I refuse to deny my needs. I will not be put last anymore.

The Fragile Equilibrium

Years of contradictories
Hidden deep within my thoughts
Emerging and disrupting,
The equilibrium of life.

A quandary it is
Inducing reflections to articulations
Disrupting the fragile equilibrium,
Of years of sensitivites.

Sensitivities so deeply buried
It's difficult to say
Without eruptions exploding,
From deep within my soul.